FF8 - Chasing Rainbows
by Astarte
Summary: Laguna in the fields, thinking about his true love, Raine


**Chasing Rainbows**

By Astarte 

I am so scared that I want to die. 

Really, I do. Honest. Well, not really but I'm absolutely frightened out of my skin. 

Why? Because I love her more than I've ever loved anyone before in my entire life. Most people think I'm too dense to have a good grip on my own nature but I know myself fairly well. I'm given to flights of fancy, drifting from one thing to the next. I'm more inclined to feel crushes and infatuations than anything so deep as true love. I honestly didn't think I was capable of loving someone that much. I do, though. I love her. I am in love with Raine Leonheart. 

That's the first thing that scared the heck out of me. That word, the dread word: Love. The worse word always seems to want to trail right along after it: Commitment. I shudder just thinking about it. 

Kiros says I'm a wanderer and I suppose I am at that. There are too many interesting things in the world for me to want to just settle down and petrify. Settling down always seemed rather like a death sentence, like trading in the infinite variety of the world and receiving dull routine in turn. Not even the lovely Julia Heartily could keep me pinned in one place. I could have returned to Deling but things kept holding me back. 

At first I thought it was the dread idea of commitment that frightened me away but I can't use that as an excuse. I'd only talked to her once and that hardly constitutes any kind of relationship. I'm not even sure how much she cared for me. Did she see me as a goofy fan? A potential boyfriend? A weirdo stalker? She always seemed so much better than me, so much more polished and sophisticated. I felt like an utter clod beside her and I'm sure that Ward wouldn't argue the point. 

Raine is no Julia. She's not that glamorous and classy starlet type. She's not the sort of girl who would fit in at a posh soiree, all decked out in shimmering gowns and glittering jewels. She's not the sort that could rub elbows with the elite as easily as someone peels an orange. Julia was all that and more. She was the sort of woman that the paparazzi was destined to discover and adore. Raine isn't like that at all. 

Raine is practical. She's the reliable, dependable sort of girl that everyone turns to when they need advice. She has no desire for the luxuries of life and mostly considers them frivolous wastes of money. She's more comfortable in wool and denim than in satins and silks and the only jewelry I've ever seen her wear had that understated practicality to it. She doesn't wear makeup and she's never done much with her hair. She doesn't even have that elegant, almost surreal, beauty that the stars possess, that Julia possesses. All in all, she's the stereotypical, ordinary, small town girl. 

Raine is far, far more desirable than Julia at her most glamorous. However much I might have loved Julia once, Raine owns my heart. From the moment I first laid eyes on her, some part of me knew that she was the one. Had I never met Raine, I might have ended up with Julia but she was never the one for me. Raine has the other half of my soul. And... I love her. 

That brings me to what really frightens me: How does she feel about me? I've overheard snatches of conversations between her and others. She always defends me but... I'm not so sure that it means that much. I know that I annoy her sometimes. I'm much too casual and cavalier for someone as serious as she is. I know that there were many times where she obviously had to bite her tongue when I did something stupid. Hyne knows that I do that on a regular basis. 

Ellone and I get along so well, I can understand how that little cutie thinks and feels. Sometimes I think that doesn't help my cause much. Looking at the expression on Raine's face, I think she believes she's the guardian of two five year olds instead of just one. I do try to behave more responsibly which is why I go monster hunting. I want her to see that I can be more mature, more reliable. I want her to know that I'm not just a liability to her. I want to show her that I can be an asset too. 

Every once in a while, I get her to smile. She smiles so rarely that seeing one is like being given a glimpse of something supernatural. Those smiles light up her entire face and transform her into a goddess of supreme beauty. I can't help but wonder sometimes. Would a child of ours look like goofy old me or gorgeous smiling her? Hyne, I wouldn't want any kid of mine to be saddled with my face. 

Its so odd that I started thinking of things like having children. I never thought about having any until I met her. The idea of her and me and a small life between us seems so very right. Having children however brings up the specter of Love's old companion: Commitment. Starting a family means giving up the wanderlust that I've always obeyed. 

If I want Raine, I have to settle down and stop chasing after rainbows. I have to, as Kiros so succinctly puts it, smarten up and start acting my age. I'm going to have to finally grow up and act like a man instead of an overgrown toddler. And I have. 

I took the ultimate risk to my self esteem and ego: I bought a ring. Its nothing big or fancy but it means so very much. All my hopes and dreams are riding on a small band of metal and a young woman's acceptance of it. I've asked her to meet me here tonight. I am going to commit my self and my soul to one person. 

Raine. 

I am going to ask her to marry me. 

I hope she says yes because I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to be the person that she can turn to for support and reassurance instead of having to always give it to others. I want to be her shoulder to cry on, the hand she holds, the body she wants to lie beside at night. I want to hold her in my arms and never let her go. I want to give her my soul so that she can have all of me forever. 

I want to love her and cherish her. 

In Sickness and in Health, 'Till Death do us part. 

Fin.


End file.
